"There is no easy way to forget how precious it is to be alive."

Today is the 5th of August. This morning I woke up to get ready for work like any other day. I did my usual checking of facebook and so on and came across this post a friend of mine shared which said "Steve Hock... My melanoma cancer story".  As I clicked through the visual story of this young mans life I felt I huge connection. About half way in the little sense of invulnerability began to dwindle. I don't know why, but I held onto hope that at the end there would be a picture of Steve two years on looking fit and well. The story gradually got more and more heartbreaking till the end where the young, funny and mighty guy had lost his life to cancer. I don't know why it broke me so much but it did. I watched this stranger go through surgery after surgery and various treatment methods to reach the same outcome as almost 8 million other people do each year! He died.

I can't stop thinking about this guy and the hurt that his loved ones must feel. It's almost 11pm and here I am deeply saddened by a stranger.

I've always been one to put a positive light on things and Steve seemed to do so too but bless his loved ones for sharing the end because I believe it is a truly important message. Not everyone is ok, chemo isn't magical medicine, radiotherapy isn't like a superhero lasers. It is abundantly important to do what you possibly can to prevent cancer now. Look after your skin with SPF, avoid processed food, check yourself for lumps and bumps, keep up with medical appointments, don't brush off that 4 week cough! Really look after yourself. I've studied the human body for years, it fascinates me in a million different ways but what astonishes me is how there one day can be this rogue little cell that fights the system and just decides ".... no... I don't want to die!" and it chooses to live forever, that is sort of how cancer happens. It's also in a way how people overcome cancer. The only real thing we have on our side fully is our own sense of self compassion. Look after those little cells, they need your full support.

It has been 2 years and a bit since the end of my chemotherapy, 754 days! I made it by pure chance on my part and science on the physicians. Some days I struggle with the broken body I've been left with but I'm here! I'm here to love the people special to me, to cuddle my dog and cat, to appreciate the sound of rain and the beautiful ripples of heat in summer air, to enjoy the excitement of adventure, to adore trees and being made fun of by my boyfriend for my love of trees! I have so much to love!

It's a strange feeling day. I'm happysad. I feel like I want to cry for opposite reasons.

"My hair blew in the wind today!"

-Originally written in 2014-

That is all.

"I'm scared, excited but scared."

-Originally written in 2014-

Recently I got a job! The first job since I had to quit way back when I got sick in about January 2013, also one I've been wanting which is a position where I get to use/improve my baking and cooking skills. This should be a happy, normal, exciting thing and while it is because YAY life progression and prospects of finally getting a place with my boyfriend and money and general well being, it also terrifies me. It's hard having to worry that I'll get comfortable in a job that I've strived to get, I've been lucky to be chosen and then BAM relapse and I have to quit. I have this cloud over my party that's threatening rain and it just sucks. I worry about my bleo damaged lungs, dodgy heart, numb fingers and tired legs, can I keep up in a busy environment or will I be in over my head? People around probably think that when I'm scared I mean in a usual nervous sense. I'm scared for the irrational yet completely rational possibility of disappointment. I need to get past this and I will but who would have thought that I'd still be affected, mentally, even now that I'm out of the woods.

Round 1... FIGHT! *best tekken voice*

-Originally written in 2013-

Day 1 of chemo was all set to go on the 4th of February. I had prepared the day before in a way I encourage anyone beginning chemo to do, I ate! I had my favourite foods. I started off with bacon, scrambled eggs and toast covered in tomato sauce. I then had a big roast chicken with all the trimmings and followed that with rhubarb crumble and ice cream. Then I stuffed myself with as much sweets, crisps and chocolate as I could while watching a movie with my boyfriend. It was a wonderfully tasty and relaxed day.

The next day I was picked up by my mum and dad and my boyfriend took the day off work to hold my hand. I was lucky that I got a choice to be in a lovely, well funded cancer specialist hospital called The Beatson all at no cost thanks to my country's NHS. The waft of anti-bac was in the air mixed with an unfamiliar smell. I was swiftly taken to my room, everything was so clean and contemporary. I had my own bathroom, tv and wardrobe. There was even free wifi!

I waited on a nurse coming to see me for what felt like forever. We all waited with forced conversation while watching Scrubs, I found this quite hilarious. Finally the nurse came! It was time for the cannula to go in and go in it did not. I was always fine getting a cannula in for scans and for blood being taken but not today no. It was as if my body knew and hid all my veins in a hope to runaway from the poison. After several pokes and a no show of veins the sweet young nurse went and got another nurse with promises that she gets a vein evey time, nuh uh. Just more fruitless stabs. I was then ordered to steep my hands in hot water in attempt to fool my veins into surfacing. In came the nurse again for a third go, this time I had my aunt and uncle (who was also there for treatment) also in the room. I remember owwing while my eyes filled up with tears. The nurse made a desperate attempt at the side of my wrist and instead poked a nerve causing a lot of pain. Time for plan B, I had to get a PICC line inserted into my arm. The team that did it weren't available that day so after getting myself all pumped up to jump this first hurdle I was sent home. I got Burger King meal on the drive home so it wasn't all bad. I remember being sat in the back of my dads car holding my boyfriends hand so tight, I felt like one of those balls made from elastic bands, each band another reason for me to cry but I didn't.

The following day I got a phone call, PICC line a go-go! Soon as we were ready we were off to the Beatson and even managed to pick my boyfriend up along the way since he got the time off work. I was very anxious about the PICC going in but really there wasn't anything bad about it. I waited a bit then got taken into a nice little room by a lady who turned out to be Biffy Clyro's cousin (I know right, cooool, she told me stories about when they were young.) there was also nice lady singing along with a CD of movie ballads and a student. I got one of those beautiful blue surgical sheets over me then a tourniquet was put at the top of my arm so tight I thought it was gonna take my arm off, an ultrasound of the veins and arteries in my arm (which I highly appreciated being able to see because I am a freak), lil bit of local anaesthetic, wee cut, feeling of a rusty wire going all the way up your arm and into your chest... ok, that was the one and only bad bit (unless blood freaks you out) but it's over in a matter of seconds and TADA it was all done. After that I went for a chest x-ray to make the the PICC line was actually in the superior vena cava and not my jugular. All was fine so now it was time to go ahead with the chemo.

 ABVD (Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastin and Dacarbazine.)  A, a big bright red syringe that's given along with fast flowing saline, my friend Vanessa called this "The Red Devil" as it's the nasty bugger that's makes your hair fall out and basically any other bad side effect happen. B, a nice big fat needle into your muscle, I always went for the bum cause *wink*, no, because it's much less painful than my skinny arm. It's to blame for potential lung damage later on. V, a small bag of fast flowing liquid that's looks and seems harmless but this caused me to have nerve damage in my fingers and toes, I couldn't wear heels, I learnt this the hard way when I fell down stairs in a wig shop. Finally D, dacarbazine is a big black bag that is sent from the depths of hell... I lied, It's just a nasty long drip that can take hours to finish because of it's ability to cause extravasation, which is burning around the entry area and damages the veins and on top of that it's the one that causes the worst nausea imaginable. It went smoothly first time, I had my boyfriend there to hold my hand while my parents where away for a walk, likely away while their minds blown with emotion. I had a nurse, well a few but one beautifully kind lady I remember being by my side throughout the whole thing. Her name escapes me but I will make it a mission of mine to go back and thank her one day. For the next six months I lived in two week cycles, one good week where I actually liked waking up and one bad week where I felt like a zombie stuck in quick sand, that was my life.

"Nice ginger hair" - "Thanks, not for long, I have cancer!"

Telling people you have cancer is a strange, hard, painful, funny and weird thing. It's a whole mix of emotions. I chose not to tell anyone other than very close family and friends till a few days before I was beginning chemo, which for me was a good couple of months. I felt it was only fair I let myself and the small group of people I knew it would hurt most to get their head around it before I went and told everyone. I went through multiple test, surgery, IVF and another minor surgery without really telling anyone. This worked for me.

 I had to tell some people in work and simply saying the word cancer was like a punch to the chest that griped my heart and choked me bringing stinging tears to my eyes. It's just a word... I had said it before... my dad had it for goodness sake! But this was different.

When it finally sets in that 'wow this is actually quite scary' it breaks you a little. I remember talking to my boyfriend about what was to come and we just got really upset all of a sudden and told each other how scared we were with quivering lips and tears then just holding each other tight and saying it will be ok, but I kept thinking "what if it's not ok?" I'm forever grateful I had him to be through every step with me.

I met and old friend in town and he said "Nice ginger hair" and I just came out with "Thanks, not for long, I have cancer!" I giggled a bit and when I stopped and realized with his face that was only funny to me. I did a thing that became a regular occurrence, I had to comfort him, tell him it was "baby cancer" that I'd be ok and so on. I soon noticed that as I got used to it, telling people started to hurt them more than I and I had to say things to make it ok for them.

It was a few days before I was scheduled to start chemo and I was fed up having to go through my cancer story with people I was telling so I decided that since the majority of the people I knew were on facebook I'd make a post there to tell people and anyone that didn't know via that i'd tell when I met them. So, on the 30th of January I made a post saying
"I have cancer, lets discuss?
I've tried telling everyone individually and I'm sure I'm gonna have missed a few and they'll be upset I never told them, so, here's your opportunity to ask me about it while I feel up to it."

It was comforting to hear people say how well I seemed to be dealing with it, it made me tell myself I was. Heck I even had organs offered to me! haha I really love the people in my life, each and every one of them are special whether I see and talk to them every day or when in times of need.

Boobies, kitties and cancer.

Not long after my diagnosis I tried to get myself into a mental state of "I can do this!" I tried to think of ways to make myself feel better about the whole thing. I expected the many hospital appointments and notes to come so what I did was get myself a nice new diary for the upcoming year, a nice vintage pin up type one so that when I was in the docs office taking an appointment I could open my diary flashing some Bettie Page style picture. This was my idea of fun and I knew it would at least make me smile and maybe even cheer me up a bit. I totally recommend doing something like this, maybe even get cats? or space ships? or Doctor Who? something you know will make you smile. Plus, organization is key and all that.

Next I tried to make my living environment as clean and comfortable as I possibly could. I tidied, de-cluttered, cleaned and rearranged everything in my room. I then got myself lovely new bed sheets and candles and stocked up on a bunch of stuff from Lush. For me, my room was were I spent most of my time so it had to be super comfortable and clean because my immune system was already failing me and I knew it would get worse.

My kitty Sebastian showing off my bedding

I then bought and borrowed a bunch of games and books and stocked up on snacks. Living in ones room gets boring fast so make sure you have something to keep yourself entertained. I also had all seasons of Doctor Who, Bones, Castle and Batman the animated series on my laptop. I tried to think of things that would keep myself and my mind busy so I got into origami, cranes were my favourite with their symbol of good fortune and longevity.

I tried to make the most of my hospital trips, most of mine where to Glasgow. A place I had been surely 1000 times but it turned out there was lots of places yet to be discovered. Even just going a nice walk will lift the day. I'd go for food (breakfast being favourite) to museums, gardens whatever was close. One of my favourites was to the Glasgow Cathedral. I think it was because I have an affinity to old things, also I like to believe I'm a princess.

This feels like self harming...

Next I want to talk about something I feel is very important for others out there who may be at the start of their diagnosis/treatment. I was diagnosed in December but I didn't start treatment until February 5th even though I was at a late stage and the doc wanted me to be treated ASAP. Why!? you ask, that's madness. I was told that if my treatment needed to be altered further down the line that there was a possibility that it would affect my fertility and at that point it would be too late to take any precautions. I didn't want to take any chances.

As I said, I feel this is very important because I wasn't offered fertility preservation right away, I has to ask about it and for others with the stress of the bigger things that are you going on you can forget about the little future things that affect your quality of life or life progression depending on how you feel about it. However, if it is essential to your well being that you skip fertility treatment and go straight into chemo, then do it. Fertility treatment wouldn't be worth it if you're not around in the end.

Ok, back on point. I was put in touch with and IVF clinic via my consultant, luckily it was only a 40 minute train ride from where I lived. I will say, if this is a route you choose to take, leave your dignity at the door, your partner also if they're involved. I had my first appointment at the clinic on the 11th of January, I took my mum for support but thinking back it would have been better taking my boyfriend purely because it was decisions we both made together in the end and my mum had her opinions on what I should do but ultimately its what you or both you and your partner want. Perhaps take a friend if you're doing it yourself. The first appointment was information loaded, all about what drugs you will be taking, their side effects, the overall procedure and your options. These options are egg or embryo freezing. I chose embryo freezing as I had talked it over with my boyfriend, everything. There is a lot to think about before you make this decision. How long have you been with your partner, is it a stable relationship, do you trust them and so on because there is a large pile of forms to tick boxes on and sign and in amongst those forms there is consent, if you break up, will your partner still allow you to use the embryo's if you need to? If not then opt for egg freezing. I have been with my partner CJ 5 years, just over 4 at the time and we are very stable, trusting and all the rest, we still talked it all over even though we knew what we'd do.

Remember what I said about your dignity? Well... Also on the first appointment I had to get a ultrasound scan. Not the easy peasy lie on your back and get some jelly on your belly type scan. IVF scans are... internal. Very uncomfortable but very necessary. They show the nurses what your system is like, they need to see how accessible your ovaries are and such. I discovered through this that I have a heart shaped uterus, who knew! This did change anything, just means in future I can only have 1 embryo at a time because if two succeed and I had twins it could create complications, plus I can pretend i'm the Doctor (Who) since I wouldn't be lying when I said I have two hearts. The scans are regular thing, they happen every few days so that egg growth can be monitored. Oh and they're vamps! Each scan appointment will also include blood checks to monitor your hormones.

On the second appointment I brought my boyfriend CJ. We had a ton of forms to fill in, we both had blood taken (they have to check for HIV and such), I got scanned and he had to provide a sample for sperm analysis, so yeah, again with the dignity thing. Top tip - tell your partner to bring their own eh... material... hospital environments aren't very relaxing. Before I left I was give a little case full of syringes filled with hormone related drugs which you are shown how to inject by yourself, all the injections are done the same way, subcutaneously (into fat) into the belly or thigh.

 The first one is called Gonal f , it is a pen type injection that at the start is done several times a day then it is down to once a day. It is a lot scarier than it looks, it doesn't really hurt and it is very easy to do however I was always hesitant doing it. It felt like self harming.

Gonal f

About 3 days later I began another daily injection, this was called Cetrotide. This stops your body from releasing your eggs so that everything is controlled. This injection is even bigger and scarier but it's truly not that bad. I did this for about 8 days.

Cetrotide

The very last injection is done in a very specific time window before egg collection. This one is called Ovitrelle, It looks very similar to the Gonal  f  pen and works just the same. Some people call it the "trigger" injection as it's role is to mature the eggs for collection. I believe the specific time is because the eggs have to be matured enough to use but not released from the follicle. I was out at the cinema with my boyfriend when I had to take mine haha I just casually jagged myself in the dark while watching Django haha.

Ovitrelle

3 days after my Ovitrelle shot I went to a very lovely hospital (Nuffield in Glasgow) the nicest hospital I had ever been to in fact for egg retrieval. I remember it was super early, I had to be there for 7:30am which meant I had to be awake at about 5am to get ready and travel. I was very nervous about the whole thing as it was a small surgical procedure in which a needle is inserted into the ovaries to collect the eggs. The anaesthetic that is given is supposed to keep you semi awake but all I remember is feeling woozy and saying to the room of about 10 people "you must see so many funny faces in here" and going straight to sleep. I was very glad I slept through the whole thing. During the retrieval my boyfriend had to do his thing and provide a sample to fertilize the eggs, this was done in vitro (injected in) so there was a better chance. Soon I was wheeled back into my room ordered breakfast which was eggs royale and then told that 7 eggs were retrieved, 5 of which were mature so only those could be used but all 5 of them fertilized! Our little embryo's were then left to form overnight and frozen for possible future use. These are our little Pingu babies. The hope is that they will not need to be used by us and if that is the case we want them to go to science for stem cell use (ooh controversial I know) 

Frozen embryos

I feel very lucky that in my country we have a health care system that allowed me to be able to do this, for free, fast and in a private hospital. I am forever grateful. I went through a process that would normally take couples years and hundred, maybe even thousands of pounds within about 2 in a bit weeks and for free.