"There is no easy way to forget how precious it is to be alive."

Today is the 5th of August. This morning I woke up to get ready for work like any other day. I did my usual checking of facebook and so on and came across this post a friend of mine shared which said "Steve Hock... My melanoma cancer story".  As I clicked through the visual story of this young mans life I felt I huge connection. About half way in the little sense of invulnerability began to dwindle. I don't know why, but I held onto hope that at the end there would be a picture of Steve two years on looking fit and well. The story gradually got more and more heartbreaking till the end where the young, funny and mighty guy had lost his life to cancer. I don't know why it broke me so much but it did. I watched this stranger go through surgery after surgery and various treatment methods to reach the same outcome as almost 8 million other people do each year! He died.

I can't stop thinking about this guy and the hurt that his loved ones must feel. It's almost 11pm and here I am deeply saddened by a stranger.

I've always been one to put a positive light on things and Steve seemed to do so too but bless his loved ones for sharing the end because I believe it is a truly important message. Not everyone is ok, chemo isn't magical medicine, radiotherapy isn't like a superhero lasers. It is abundantly important to do what you possibly can to prevent cancer now. Look after your skin with SPF, avoid processed food, check yourself for lumps and bumps, keep up with medical appointments, don't brush off that 4 week cough! Really look after yourself. I've studied the human body for years, it fascinates me in a million different ways but what astonishes me is how there one day can be this rogue little cell that fights the system and just decides ".... no... I don't want to die!" and it chooses to live forever, that is sort of how cancer happens. It's also in a way how people overcome cancer. The only real thing we have on our side fully is our own sense of self compassion. Look after those little cells, they need your full support.

It has been 2 years and a bit since the end of my chemotherapy, 754 days! I made it by pure chance on my part and science on the physicians. Some days I struggle with the broken body I've been left with but I'm here! I'm here to love the people special to me, to cuddle my dog and cat, to appreciate the sound of rain and the beautiful ripples of heat in summer air, to enjoy the excitement of adventure, to adore trees and being made fun of by my boyfriend for my love of trees! I have so much to love!

It's a strange feeling day. I'm happysad. I feel like I want to cry for opposite reasons.

"I'm scared, excited but scared."

-Originally written in 2014-

Recently I got a job! The first job since I had to quit way back when I got sick in about January 2013, also one I've been wanting which is a position where I get to use/improve my baking and cooking skills. This should be a happy, normal, exciting thing and while it is because YAY life progression and prospects of finally getting a place with my boyfriend and money and general well being, it also terrifies me. It's hard having to worry that I'll get comfortable in a job that I've strived to get, I've been lucky to be chosen and then BAM relapse and I have to quit. I have this cloud over my party that's threatening rain and it just sucks. I worry about my bleo damaged lungs, dodgy heart, numb fingers and tired legs, can I keep up in a busy environment or will I be in over my head? People around probably think that when I'm scared I mean in a usual nervous sense. I'm scared for the irrational yet completely rational possibility of disappointment. I need to get past this and I will but who would have thought that I'd still be affected, mentally, even now that I'm out of the woods.