"There is no easy way to forget how precious it is to be alive."

Today is the 5th of August. This morning I woke up to get ready for work like any other day. I did my usual checking of facebook and so on and came across this post a friend of mine shared which said "Steve Hock... My melanoma cancer story".  As I clicked through the visual story of this young mans life I felt I huge connection. About half way in the little sense of invulnerability began to dwindle. I don't know why, but I held onto hope that at the end there would be a picture of Steve two years on looking fit and well. The story gradually got more and more heartbreaking till the end where the young, funny and mighty guy had lost his life to cancer. I don't know why it broke me so much but it did. I watched this stranger go through surgery after surgery and various treatment methods to reach the same outcome as almost 8 million other people do each year! He died.

I can't stop thinking about this guy and the hurt that his loved ones must feel. It's almost 11pm and here I am deeply saddened by a stranger.

I've always been one to put a positive light on things and Steve seemed to do so too but bless his loved ones for sharing the end because I believe it is a truly important message. Not everyone is ok, chemo isn't magical medicine, radiotherapy isn't like a superhero lasers. It is abundantly important to do what you possibly can to prevent cancer now. Look after your skin with SPF, avoid processed food, check yourself for lumps and bumps, keep up with medical appointments, don't brush off that 4 week cough! Really look after yourself. I've studied the human body for years, it fascinates me in a million different ways but what astonishes me is how there one day can be this rogue little cell that fights the system and just decides ".... no... I don't want to die!" and it chooses to live forever, that is sort of how cancer happens. It's also in a way how people overcome cancer. The only real thing we have on our side fully is our own sense of self compassion. Look after those little cells, they need your full support.

It has been 2 years and a bit since the end of my chemotherapy, 754 days! I made it by pure chance on my part and science on the physicians. Some days I struggle with the broken body I've been left with but I'm here! I'm here to love the people special to me, to cuddle my dog and cat, to appreciate the sound of rain and the beautiful ripples of heat in summer air, to enjoy the excitement of adventure, to adore trees and being made fun of by my boyfriend for my love of trees! I have so much to love!

It's a strange feeling day. I'm happysad. I feel like I want to cry for opposite reasons.

"Nice ginger hair" - "Thanks, not for long, I have cancer!"

Telling people you have cancer is a strange, hard, painful, funny and weird thing. It's a whole mix of emotions. I chose not to tell anyone other than very close family and friends till a few days before I was beginning chemo, which for me was a good couple of months. I felt it was only fair I let myself and the small group of people I knew it would hurt most to get their head around it before I went and told everyone. I went through multiple test, surgery, IVF and another minor surgery without really telling anyone. This worked for me.

 I had to tell some people in work and simply saying the word cancer was like a punch to the chest that griped my heart and choked me bringing stinging tears to my eyes. It's just a word... I had said it before... my dad had it for goodness sake! But this was different.

When it finally sets in that 'wow this is actually quite scary' it breaks you a little. I remember talking to my boyfriend about what was to come and we just got really upset all of a sudden and told each other how scared we were with quivering lips and tears then just holding each other tight and saying it will be ok, but I kept thinking "what if it's not ok?" I'm forever grateful I had him to be through every step with me.

I met and old friend in town and he said "Nice ginger hair" and I just came out with "Thanks, not for long, I have cancer!" I giggled a bit and when I stopped and realized with his face that was only funny to me. I did a thing that became a regular occurrence, I had to comfort him, tell him it was "baby cancer" that I'd be ok and so on. I soon noticed that as I got used to it, telling people started to hurt them more than I and I had to say things to make it ok for them.

It was a few days before I was scheduled to start chemo and I was fed up having to go through my cancer story with people I was telling so I decided that since the majority of the people I knew were on facebook I'd make a post there to tell people and anyone that didn't know via that i'd tell when I met them. So, on the 30th of January I made a post saying
"I have cancer, lets discuss?
I've tried telling everyone individually and I'm sure I'm gonna have missed a few and they'll be upset I never told them, so, here's your opportunity to ask me about it while I feel up to it."

It was comforting to hear people say how well I seemed to be dealing with it, it made me tell myself I was. Heck I even had organs offered to me! haha I really love the people in my life, each and every one of them are special whether I see and talk to them every day or when in times of need.