"Nice ginger hair" - "Thanks, not for long, I have cancer!"

Telling people you have cancer is a strange, hard, painful, funny and weird thing. It's a whole mix of emotions. I chose not to tell anyone other than very close family and friends till a few days before I was beginning chemo, which for me was a good couple of months. I felt it was only fair I let myself and the small group of people I knew it would hurt most to get their head around it before I went and told everyone. I went through multiple test, surgery, IVF and another minor surgery without really telling anyone. This worked for me.

 I had to tell some people in work and simply saying the word cancer was like a punch to the chest that griped my heart and choked me bringing stinging tears to my eyes. It's just a word... I had said it before... my dad had it for goodness sake! But this was different.

When it finally sets in that 'wow this is actually quite scary' it breaks you a little. I remember talking to my boyfriend about what was to come and we just got really upset all of a sudden and told each other how scared we were with quivering lips and tears then just holding each other tight and saying it will be ok, but I kept thinking "what if it's not ok?" I'm forever grateful I had him to be through every step with me.

I met and old friend in town and he said "Nice ginger hair" and I just came out with "Thanks, not for long, I have cancer!" I giggled a bit and when I stopped and realized with his face that was only funny to me. I did a thing that became a regular occurrence, I had to comfort him, tell him it was "baby cancer" that I'd be ok and so on. I soon noticed that as I got used to it, telling people started to hurt them more than I and I had to say things to make it ok for them.

It was a few days before I was scheduled to start chemo and I was fed up having to go through my cancer story with people I was telling so I decided that since the majority of the people I knew were on facebook I'd make a post there to tell people and anyone that didn't know via that i'd tell when I met them. So, on the 30th of January I made a post saying
"I have cancer, lets discuss?
I've tried telling everyone individually and I'm sure I'm gonna have missed a few and they'll be upset I never told them, so, here's your opportunity to ask me about it while I feel up to it."

It was comforting to hear people say how well I seemed to be dealing with it, it made me tell myself I was. Heck I even had organs offered to me! haha I really love the people in my life, each and every one of them are special whether I see and talk to them every day or when in times of need.

Boobies, kitties and cancer.

Not long after my diagnosis I tried to get myself into a mental state of "I can do this!" I tried to think of ways to make myself feel better about the whole thing. I expected the many hospital appointments and notes to come so what I did was get myself a nice new diary for the upcoming year, a nice vintage pin up type one so that when I was in the docs office taking an appointment I could open my diary flashing some Bettie Page style picture. This was my idea of fun and I knew it would at least make me smile and maybe even cheer me up a bit. I totally recommend doing something like this, maybe even get cats? or space ships? or Doctor Who? something you know will make you smile. Plus, organization is key and all that.

Next I tried to make my living environment as clean and comfortable as I possibly could. I tidied, de-cluttered, cleaned and rearranged everything in my room. I then got myself lovely new bed sheets and candles and stocked up on a bunch of stuff from Lush. For me, my room was were I spent most of my time so it had to be super comfortable and clean because my immune system was already failing me and I knew it would get worse.

My kitty Sebastian showing off my bedding

I then bought and borrowed a bunch of games and books and stocked up on snacks. Living in ones room gets boring fast so make sure you have something to keep yourself entertained. I also had all seasons of Doctor Who, Bones, Castle and Batman the animated series on my laptop. I tried to think of things that would keep myself and my mind busy so I got into origami, cranes were my favourite with their symbol of good fortune and longevity.

I tried to make the most of my hospital trips, most of mine where to Glasgow. A place I had been surely 1000 times but it turned out there was lots of places yet to be discovered. Even just going a nice walk will lift the day. I'd go for food (breakfast being favourite) to museums, gardens whatever was close. One of my favourites was to the Glasgow Cathedral. I think it was because I have an affinity to old things, also I like to believe I'm a princess.